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Sat, Aug. 20th, 2011, 05:45 pm

Okay so I've spent the last week trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. I haven't been going to classes and I think it's because I just don't want to be there. I've been getting so stressed out and just not been able to motivate myself to do the work.  I'm not enjoying the work and it's making me not want to draw, which is not good. I think it also has a lot to do with me completely changing my mind about what I want to do in the future. 
I want to be an illustrator. 
Realistically, i know it's hard to make a living as an illustrator and I definitely need some graphic design skills to back me too. I've looked into some other colleges that offer design degrees and there's one in particular that incorporates traditional and computer media, which I'm really interested in. Or, I can apply to uni for my bachelor of fine arts next year as a mature age student and my ranking from high school doesn't count (the reason I'm at TAFE and not uni is to raise my marks). My dad's also going to talk to some people in the media industry who knows and see if they know of anything. 
In the meantime, my dad has tentatively offered me a job at his advertising agency doing some graphics work and stuff, where he'll teach me. 
I'm trying to fight the thoughts in the back of my head telling me I'm a failure, because I've already dropped out of this course once before and returned ( I previously dropped out because I had a bit of a breakdown). But maybe it's just not right for me. I was enjoying it last semester, but this semester I just can't make myself want to do the work. I worry that I'm just taking the easy way out and not coping and that I'll regret my decision in 6 months. I just want to do what's right for me.
This is a really tough decision and I just don't want to make the wrong choice. I had to write all this out to try and make sense of it and maybe get some different input. 

Tue, Feb. 24th, 2009, 10:09 pm

Everyone, meet Lilliecat

Isn't she the most adorable thing ever? Except she keeps trying to play when I'm trying to sleep. She bites my toes and fingers, and pokes at my eyes. She's doing quite well, had a little accident on my bed the other night though. And she gets lonely when I'm at work and loves to bite at my toes

Sat, Feb. 7th, 2009, 09:36 pm

Fuck, I think I might be getting an ear infection

That is all.

Sat, Feb. 7th, 2009, 05:24 pm

A quote from the movie closer. read into it what you will

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

Sat, Jan. 31st, 2009, 11:28 pm

I feel like shit. My mood has gotten no better in a month. I'm trying to do good things for myself, to life my mood. But I can't get out of this. I'm just being weighed so far done and I'm so close to losing hope. I just want to give up. I'm so tired and I'm so terrified of living my whole life like this. My doctor says I may have to be on medication for my whole life, and that thought fucking haunts me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to be able to feel true, genuine, natural happiness and be content with my life and myself. I'm doing my best with counselling but it's just so hard for me. I don't know how to verbalise my feelings and I'm still not quite comfortable enough with my therapist to write everything down for her.
I'm over this, okay? Can I have a fucking life now?!
Maybe I'm sabotaging myself. I seem to be doing a pretty good job of ruining my own fucking life.
I took time off work, right? But didn't explain exactly what was happening. Just that I was sick and needed some time off. And I didn't want to quit over the phone or in a text, I wanted to do it in person. But I kept putting it off, over and over, because my anxiety has been so unbearable. And while I was at the coast yesterday I got a text from my boss saying "thanks for lettin me know you don't wanna come back here..." which I assume is meant sarcastically. How else can that be read? I assume someone has told her I don't want to go back. Fuck. So now I'm going to have to go in and face her on Monday to explain everything to her or I'm not going to get a reference.

Fuck life. I just want to give up now.

Thu, Jan. 22nd, 2009, 03:16 pm
don't think i'll be here for a while

I thought I could tell the truth and be understood

I guess I'm a horrible person after all

Wed, Jan. 21st, 2009, 11:37 pm

Baby just fix yourself another drink
Maybe you can dissolve the weight in your chest
Light another cigarette
Smoke all that self hatred out of you
Drink it down honey and you'll be fine
Breathe it in and you're okay
Not working?
Pour another light another
Everything is fine

Sat, Jan. 10th, 2009, 03:08 pm
I've probably posted these before

Shelter Me - The Waifs

I decided no one's knowing
anything about where I'm going
I can't even talk to my friends

Not blaming anyone for the mess I've gotten in
I'm only frightened by the things that I've done

Keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help

Your love's the finest thing that I've ever known
I want to come home

Thinking back when I was young
and you kept me safe from everything
set me straight when I went wrong
raised me to respect myself
I can offer no excuse for this senseless self abuse
and all the pain that I've cause you to feel

When I hurt myself it hurts you more
and that's what hurts me most of all
We shouldn't go on hurting anymore

keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help
your love's the finest thing I've ever known

I want to come home

Oh I want to come home X 4

Keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help

your love's the finest thing I've ever known

So take me now and shelter me
for there's nothing left of me

Tue, Jan. 6th, 2009, 08:35 pm
Yesterday's post...ran out of internet credit last night

So, as loosely detailed in the last post...I'm not well. I really don't want to go into the details of the weekend or past few weeks but basically, they've involved a lot of crying, screaming, hitting myself, fighting with josh and hitting him out of frustration because he doesn't understand why i get so hysterical over little things.

I saw my GP this morning because I freaked out yet again about going to work. She patronised me and treated me like a fucking stupid little kid. Basically just lectured me about not taking my medication and working too much and how they'd never admit me to hospital blah blah. I didn't expect to be admitted to hospital for fucks sake. But she didn't even ask if I was safe! And she KNOWS I self harm. Then I stayed at mums all day. She wanted me to stay there tonight but I convinced her I'd feel better at home where I have all my stuff.
Anyway, I'm taking time off work and am going to go on sickness benefits for a month or two to get myself back on track.
In others news, I've officially moved downstairs now. I'm all set up except my bed will eventually move to the other room which needs to be painted.

Please excuse how crappy i look and consider i've been to depressed to wash/dye my hair or apply makeup and spent the last few days crying/beating myself. bleh
Pictures!Collapse )

Tue, Dec. 16th, 2008, 11:05 pm

i'm really scared. i don't know what to do anymore

i'm sorry.  don;t t know what esle to say

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