disaster_pixie

I had to wake up earlier than planned to let the electricians in upstairs

I suppose I might as well start my housework

I miss him so much today. Every little thing keeps reminding me of him. I miss feeling his arms around me, how calm it always made me feel. I miss the way he'd look at me. I miss the way he;d smile if i made a stupid joke. I miss the way he kissed my nose. I miss he'd wrap his arms around me from behind if i was cooking or doing the dishes. I miss the way he'd make me laugh. I miss just lying in bed watching movies with him, but never actually getting to see the whole movie because we'd get distracted. I miss how he'd stroke my face. I miss how he looked at me when he'd just woken up in the morning. I miss how when I was trying to get ready for work he'd pull me back into bed with him.
I can't do this. I just want this to have not happened.

Everyone, meet Lilliecat



Isn't she the most adorable thing ever? Except she keeps trying to play when I'm trying to sleep. She bites my toes and fingers, and pokes at my eyes. She's doing quite well, had a little accident on my bed the other night though. And she gets lonely when I'm at work and loves to bite at my toes

Fuck, I think I might be getting an ear infection

That is all.

A quote from the movie closer. read into it what you will

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

I feel like shit. My mood has gotten no better in a month. I'm trying to do good things for myself, to life my mood. But I can't get out of this. I'm just being weighed so far done and I'm so close to losing hope. I just want to give up. I'm so tired and I'm so terrified of living my whole life like this. My doctor says I may have to be on medication for my whole life, and that thought fucking haunts me. I WANT TO BE NORMAL. I want to be able to feel true, genuine, natural happiness and be content with my life and myself. I'm doing my best with counselling but it's just so hard for me. I don't know how to verbalise my feelings and I'm still not quite comfortable enough with my therapist to write everything down for her.
I'm over this, okay? Can I have a fucking life now?!
Maybe I'm sabotaging myself. I seem to be doing a pretty good job of ruining my own fucking life.
I took time off work, right? But didn't explain exactly what was happening. Just that I was sick and needed some time off. And I didn't want to quit over the phone or in a text, I wanted to do it in person. But I kept putting it off, over and over, because my anxiety has been so unbearable. And while I was at the coast yesterday I got a text from my boss saying "thanks for lettin me know you don't wanna come back here..." which I assume is meant sarcastically. How else can that be read? I assume someone has told her I don't want to go back. Fuck. So now I'm going to have to go in and face her on Monday to explain everything to her or I'm not going to get a reference.

Fuck life. I just want to give up now.

I thought I could tell the truth and be understood

I guess I'm a horrible person after all

Baby just fix yourself another drink
Maybe you can dissolve the weight in your chest
Light another cigarette
Smoke all that self hatred out of you
1
2
3
Drink it down honey and you'll be fine
Breathe it in and you're okay
Not working?
Pour another light another
Everything is fine

Shelter Me - The Waifs

I decided no one's knowing
anything about where I'm going
I can't even talk to my friends
anymore
Not blaming anyone for the mess I've gotten in
I'm only frightened by the things that I've done

Keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help
Your love's the finest thing that I've ever known
I want to come home

Thinking back when I was young
and you kept me safe from everything
set me straight when I went wrong
raised me to respect myself
I can offer no excuse for this senseless self abuse
and all the pain that I've cause you to feel
When I hurt myself it hurts you more
and that's what hurts me most of all
We shouldn't go on hurting anymore

keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help
your love's the finest thing I've ever known
I want to come home

Oh I want to come home X 4

Keep me safe from myself
I can't do it without your help
your love's the finest thing I've ever known

So take me now and shelter me
for there's nothing left of me

So, as loosely detailed in the last post...I'm not well. I really don't want to go into the details of the weekend or past few weeks but basically, they've involved a lot of crying, screaming, hitting myself, fighting with josh and hitting him out of frustration because he doesn't understand why i get so hysterical over little things.

I saw my GP this morning because I freaked out yet again about going to work. She patronised me and treated me like a fucking stupid little kid. Basically just lectured me about not taking my medication and working too much and how they'd never admit me to hospital blah blah. I didn't expect to be admitted to hospital for fucks sake. But she didn't even ask if I was safe! And she KNOWS I self harm. Then I stayed at mums all day. She wanted me to stay there tonight but I convinced her I'd feel better at home where I have all my stuff.
Anyway, I'm taking time off work and am going to go on sickness benefits for a month or two to get myself back on track.
In others news, I've officially moved downstairs now. I'm all set up except my bed will eventually move to the other room which needs to be painted.

Pictures!
Please excuse how crappy i look and consider i've been to depressed to wash/dye my hair or apply makeup and spent the last few days crying/beating myself. bleh
( Pictures! )

i'm really scared. i don't know what to do anymore

i'm sorry.  don;t t know what esle to say

Emma took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

save me save me

I don't want to be back here. I'm so scared. I just want to be normal. please save me. I dont want this again. Please. My whole body aches and contorts with pain, with too much pressure and not enough enough. I need a way out and I need it now. I need someone to tell me it's okay, that i'll survive this. I need someone to hold me. I need someone to fix me.

SAVE ME.

I'm finding it hard to post. I don't know...it seems so daunting. I feel like if I post here, I have to fill in everything that's happened since my last update.

I'm only posting tonight to say I worked tonight, and I was harassed by a homeless man and I was scared and I really need a new job.

My hair now looks like this:

 So yesterday I finally got the guts to go see the TAFE counsellor about managing my workload and hopefully getting some extensions. This is how it went.
ME: Umm, I'm having some personal problems and I'm really struggling with my workload
HER: What kind of personal problems
ME: I have depression and anxiety. I can't think or focus. I just can't do the work.
HER: Well, I think you're problem is time management. You need to stop socialising and set time to do the work.
ME: *looks blank*. 
HER: *proceeds to write up a useless study plan for me*

She actually said to me, "IF you are ACTUALLY depressed, you should see a GP after assessment, but I think you'll be fine when you get this work done. You'll just need to work really hard"
Clearly a diagnosis, medication and a fucking 4 YEAR history of depression is not enough. She didn't even notice I was almost in tears. For fucks sake! Oh, another little gem was "you just need a hug from your mum." ............:|
So, no extensions, no support. Nothing. I can't stand mental health professionals who don't know what they're doing. They're supposed to be there to help people, not fucking patronise them. I know my own moods, I know the difference between my mental health seriously deteriorating and stress from studying.
I've emailed my teachers today hoping they'll be more supportive. And if I need to see a counsellor at TAFE again, I'll be seeing the other one. I was so pissed off and upset.

In other news, I got my hips pierced again. She did an amazing job. She spent 20 minutes measuring them up so they'd be symmetrical this time. They're perfect. They're pierced with metal bars this time, so hopefully they won't be so troublesome. God it hurt though. They already look like they're healing better than last time though. Hardly any swelling or redness.

 


So, I finally got my tattoo yesterday. It hurt, a lot. Especially on my spine. I went to Heart and Soul Tattoo at Geebung and the tattooist, Lars did an awesome job. He added the shading and it looks great. YAY.

So, I'm fucking exhausted. Today was my 6th day in a row working (4 full time days, 3.30 - 9.45 last night and 10-4 today), oh and another 2 full time days and possibly a couple of 5 hours shifts the days after that. So that'll make...10 days in a row...I think. Not to mention I'm not sleeping well. I'm sleeping but...I don't feel rested. And I'm having trouble letting myself relax. I keep washing my face thinking I have smudged makeup, but it's just the rings under my eyes. Eh. It's better than having time to think. If I just keep going then I don't really have time to stop and face myself, do I? I don't really care if I'm running myself into the ground. Besides, I need the money.

I'll finish updating later...not that there's much else to say.

Just a quick entry. I have to go back to work soon. Lately, I wake up every morning dreading work. It's not even that bad. It's just the thought of having to get up and go out and deal with people all day. I'm close to tears today. For some reason, I really miss my mum. I want her to look after me. 
On second thoughts, I can't write this because I'll start crying. 
vague suicidal thoughts. finishing fulltime work in exactly 2 weeks. terrified. alone. I'm not going to survive.